


It Hadn't Been Easy (But It Could Have Been Much Harder)

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Character's Introspection, Fluff, M/M, Slice of Life, Sort of hurt/comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-13 00:42:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7955392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It took a lot of time for Brian to figure it out; it hadn’t been easy but, thanks to the blonde man that had always believed and had faith in him, it could have been much harder. Everything had to change and it was time to accept that even his voice had to follow that rule, if he still wanted to keep singing. And that was something that he would never stop doing.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Hadn't Been Easy (But It Could Have Been Much Harder)

It Hadn’t Been Easy  
(But it could have been much worse)

  
  
  


 

 

 

 

  


  
  
The crowd was still cheering, ready for the next performer to stand on the stage and play all their favorite songs: it was one of those summer festivals with just a couple of big names and then lots and lots of new artists that needed an audience to be heard and noticed; yet, to Brian it felt just like one of their shows of the last tour, especially since the set list had been mostly the same as they were in that tedious and delicate stage where they still didn’t know how the new record would turn out to be. He shouldn't be there, hiding among the technicians and the staff of other artists; he should be already back at their dressing room, changing at the speed of a flash before jumping on a private jet and flying towards the other side of the States. He shouldn't be there, yet his feet couldn't move from that spot, the adrenaline rushing through his veins and it had been so long since he had felt like that: not quite happy with himself, not quite satisfied because he knew that there had been some mistakes here and there but... gosh! If he stopped just for one second and thought about some months before, it seemed like years of therapy and fights had passed by just to get to that point: just to feel like he still belonged to the stage instead than feeling like he needed to hide, ran away because he couldn’t do his job anymore.  
  
For the first time, since a long time, Brian felt like he was on the right path to recover, and that alone was enough to make him want to go back on the stage and sing until his voice could hold on. Maybe not like the old times, maybe that would never happen and, though it had been hard and almost impossible to accept, he had managed to make peace with it: it had been such a relief, as if someone had finally been able to lift all that weight that Brian had carried through all those years and that mist and veil that had clouded his eyes, making him feel like there wasn’t a way out or an end to that storm. It had been a hard road to travel, most of the times Brian had really thought that he wasn’t going to last that long, but just when he was about to give up and surrender, he had realized that he was dealing with that situation in the wrong way. It had been in that moment, his fingers ready to hit the button to send an email that he had never wanted or thought he could write, that some sort of satori and illumination had appeared in front of his eyes, reminding him that life was that, a wayward road full of ups and downs.   
  
Life was an adventure, so short that it was a waste to be scared and afraid of what the future could bring or hold for him. Life, in its definition, was change because nothing could stay the same, day after day. Year after year. He hadn’t wanted to change because he had been scared about what that variation and modification could mean; he had struggled so much because he had wanted for things to stay the same, even if everyone and everything kept changing around him.  

 

It had taken him so much time, and so many energies, to realize and understand that even his voice had to follow that simple yet difficult rule: he had fought against it, he had been so close to quit everything because he felt like an imposter for not being able to deliver the same notes and melodies that millions of people were used to hear and listen to. And the truth, the reason behind his ordeal, had been because he had believed, he had been so convinced that people would leave him behind, would leave the whole group behind and follow the next group whose lead singer wasn't so stubborn and proud to admit defeat and let someone else sing his notes. He had been so afraid that the group, those four people that had became a second family through the years, was going to leave him behind once again but, this time, they wouldn’t ask for forgiveness or for a second chance once they would realize their mistake or once, hopefully, he would be able to get back on his feet. He had been afraid, mostly, that Nick would soon grow tired of him, having enough of therapies that didn’t play out or his bursts of frustration and depression, his running away from everyone and trying to hide all those thoughts and doubts that were tearing him down, never asking for help not because he didn’t have any faith or trust in his partner but simply because he didn’t know how to.

 

Yet, life had proved him wrong because he hadn’t been left alone, once he had admitted to himself and out loud that he needed help, that for once he was the one struggling and messing up his entire life. Nick hadn’t left him alone, too stubborn to give up something that they both fought so much to conquer and hold in their hands. Aj, Howie and Kevin hadn’t left him behind, or asked him to step down and let them continue as if Brian never existed before. They let him be, they fought him when they thought he was being too blind and too lost within his troubles and demons to realize that everyone around him wanted just to help, wanted him to stop and breathe a little because the only results he was going to obtain was to shatter and destroy himself and they cared, they loved him too much to let it happen a second time.  

  
A pair of arms encircled his waist, a chin found its place on the shoulder and a pair of lips brushed that special, sensible spot on the nape where skin and the end of the hair met in an improbable and shivering embrace. Then, those pair of lips travelled down, following the perfect and sculptured line of the jaw until they found that corner of mouth that was already curving into a smile. A natural smile. That smile that was able to spread warmth and joy with a single glance; that smile that was able to take away all the sadness and heartache, no matter how deep and serious those thoughts were. That smile that had been gone for a long time, kidnapped by something that no one had yet been able to understand and fight towards victory.

 

Brian’s smile was back and Nick could feel it even if he couldn’t really see it, hugging his man by behind and looking over the fans that still were enjoying the last hours of the show. He had come to take Brian for they were already running late and there was a private jet waiting for them but, as he stood there with him, all the rush and must do kinda slipped away, and not because Brian needed to be comforted or reassured that the next time, the next show, would be better. This time Nick didn’t have to pick up pieces and try to fix them together again somehow, because no matter what the group would always need Brian, voice or not voice. This time they could be just a simple couple watching show, taking in how many people had filled the place and how many of them would leave excited and happy, satisfied with the performances they had expected to see.

 

This time Brian, especially, could let the adrenaline take control over his body, filling every vein with its energy and let his nerves vibrating and thrumming with happiness. Though he didn’t want to dwell in it too much, he didn’t want to let it over his head and lead him into believing something that it would just turn out into dust. But… damn, it felt really good! Damn if, for the first time since forever, Brian had felt like time had finally found a way to turn back and make things the way they were supposed to be.

 

“You know you were amazing tonight, right? - Nick’s voice brushed Brian’s ear, sending a shudder of trembles and pleasure down his spine. - You aren’t actually analyzing every note you might have missed, right? Cause I just know how to make those thoughts disappear…” In a fast twirl, Brian found himself facing Nick’s eyes, their blue shining with such an intensity that, for a moment, he felt his throat contracting and his breath taken away in butterfly explosions of pride, love and affection. Even at his worst, even when he had thought about doing the unthinkable, Brian had never stopped thanking the God above for sending him that angel that had never cease to believe and have faith in him: Nick’s love had been the only fixed point in that period of chaos in his life; the only reason why Brian had kept fighting even when he had been too tired and too disillusioned to believe that he could do it. The boy who once had left him all alone, ran away because he didn’t know how to handle a situation that involved surgery and hospital, hadn’t left his side no matter how many times Brian had tried to shield him from the worst aspects of his illness. He had always known that, even when Nick barely knew himself or who he was supposed to be; yet, seeing him now made Brian’s heart fill up to the brink with love and pride, an endless admiration for how hard Nick had fought to reach that point of his life.   

 

“We don’t have the time, remember?” Brian replied, tiptoeing so that he could place his lips on Nick’s and hold his hands.

 

“I think you’re allowed a little bit of celebration.” Nick pushed with that grin of him that always managed to make Brian’s knees go weak because he finally knew that it belonged to him and no one else. And it had taken him a while to realize it, to fully realize that they didn't need to hide anymore, that their love wasn't some kind of dirty secret, something that could ruin the image of the group and all they had worked for.

 

“I don’t want to celebrate. It’s not a big deal. - Brian replied, shrugging with a little bit of embarrassment on his face. - It shouldn’t be. Not anymore, I hope.”

 

Nick placed his index’s tip under Brian’s chin, lifting it up so he could keep looking at those clear eyes. At that smile that, even though the air and atmosphere had changed and turned into something more serious and less malicious and playful, still didn’t diminish his brightness and light. “Hey. I’m just proud. We’re all proud.”

 

“I don’t want to jinx it, okay? - Brian’s hands started to tremble, that anxiety that never seemed so far away was making him more nervous than he had been before hopping on the stage. But he had been through this so many times, they had made a lot of celebrations that had just been a bubble of illusions so easy to blow, the storms always around the corner. No, Brian didn’t want to go down that road ever again. - It has been a good day.”

 

“It has been a good period. The new therapy is working. Can you just be happy about it?”

 

“I am! I am happy and, seriously, I would love to go back out there and keep singing and jumping but… “ Brian’s voice trailed off, as if he was a little scared to say what his mind was already starting to picture and draw. He turned around, that natural instinct to hide that moment of weakness from the younger’s eyes. He wanted so much to be just as happy as Nick was, and his enthusiasm was so over the roof that it was almost impossible not to be infected and affected. But a part of his mind was holding him back, that same part where there were locked all the memories of previous celebrations turned into failures and setbacks, the pain and the heartaches that had came with them. It was a survival instinct, for he knew that he wouldn’t be able to survive another failure, another finding himself to the ground with his spirit broken and another set of too steep stairs to climb once again. It was a defensive mechanism, something that his soul had built through the years to protect itself from any other disappointment and pain: if he didn’t believe too much, if he kept his head down and just work, maybe the next blown wouldn’t be that hard to avoid.

 

His thoughts didn’t have a chance to continue on, didn’t have the opportunity to instill the seed of doubts that would always come after since his confidence was still in shreds, barely holding on but so fragile, because Nick made him turn around so that they were looking at each other once again. So that Brian didn’t have the chance and opportunity to hide from him, curling metaphorically within himself instead than letting Nick heal and brush away those doubts. As always, Brian was taken aback by the light of pride that was shining in those blue eyes, those eyes that Brian had thought he knew and, yet, there was always one more new shade that forced him to scramble all the pieces about what he knew of Nick and put them together once again.

 

“No buts. - Nick stated with a tone that didn’t admit any reply or opposition. Gone and disappeared was the boy who didn’t know how to stand up against Brian and fight him, not to hurt him but to help him healing and finding himself once again. Loving Brian had been and was still a discover every day; loving Brian had made Nick more conscious about his strengths and how he could be someone to depend on instead than always being the one receiving support and love. - We’re going to celebrate. No matter what. Someone, a very wise man, once said to me that you have to take day by day, all the joys and success because those are the one that will help you going through the rough times.”

 

“Do I know this man?” Brian asked in a playful tone, his cheeks turning into a fade shade of red while fumbling nervously with the hem of Nick’s shirt. Those words were his own, told one of the few times when it had been Nick the one angry and scared for him, mad with rage because it was totally unfair what was happening to him.

 

Nick leaned down, brushing his lips against Brian’s nose tip and pushing the man so close so that there wasn’t any distance or empty space between their bodies. “Well, come with me and I’m certain you’re gonna remember him.”

 

A laugh, a crystalline yet rough in some parts, filled the air as the couple made their way back to the dressing rooms, stealing those few and precious moments before jumping on a jet and do another show. Yet, at the same time, it felt like they were jumping ahead on the road of recovery. And, maybe, this time there weren’t going to be any more seatbacks.   

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story that it was sleeping in my laptop and I don't even know why I hadn''t finished it sooner.   
> Hope you all liked it and feel free to leave a comment if you read it. =)


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